Darkness and Light

I made a big mistake today. I watched a movie that I knew going into it was not virtuous or lovely. In fact, I knew there was a great likelihood that it was going to hurt my spirit, and it did. There was nothing sexual in the movie, and it contained less swearing than even some of the crude animated PG movies that have been released.  But the violence and inhumanity that was so pervasive through the entire film literally made my stomach sick and chased my spirit into a corner of my soul where it cowered just wanting to feel safe and loved. So many people watched and loved and raved about this movie when it came out several years ago. I know some of my readers by name who love the film, particularly for its powerful portrayal of good versus evil. When the movie was first released, I had a friend who knew me well tell me to never see it; they were familiar enough with me and my spirit to know that the moral implications of the movie would not offset the damage it would do to my spirit and my view of the world. They were right.

I knew throughout the movie that watching it was a mistake. But I didn't leave. (Sometimes I wonder what happened to the brave girl I was in high school.) Anyway, right when the movie ended I immediately started searching for something to invite feelings of safety and security and goodness into my heart--something that might comfort my spirit with the light of truth. This is what I found because someone posted it to facebook.

I know it's okay that I made a mistake today. I'm not berating myself. I know that I can repent and recommit to honoring the Light of Christ and the gift of the Holy Ghost that warns me of temporal and spiritual hazards and guides me into paths where I can feel safe in the light of uplifting things. I am grateful that Heavenly Father trusts me enough to give me "sunrise revelation"--that He trusts me enough to let me make mistakes and learn from them and be changed by them. And I'm so very, eternally grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ and that I don't have to be bound by and damned for my mistakes and sins--that I can be picked up and rescued by the Savior's love and move forward as a clean person renewed and resolved to be truer to my covenants, convictions, and testimony--that I have to opportunity to grow in light and continue in light.

"That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, 

and continueth in God, receiveth more light; 

and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day."

-Doctrine and Covenants 50:24

I humbly and gratefully look forward to the perfect day.

Farm Life

(Written on Thursday, May 24)

I have been so blog-happy as of late, and I like it. So many times throughout my day something funny or inspiring will happen that I just want to share with whomever reads this. (Which remains to be a wondrous mystery. Oh the wonderful world of open blogging...)

Here's a little of what has been going on:


Blake and I are back on the farm with Blake learning the tricks of the family trade while I go to class in Salt Lake.  I daresay he well surpassed my farming prowess in his first week as a rookie. Seriously, he's taken to it like a fish to water. What a studly champ. His farmer tan is coming along nicely and he's getting to more fully live his Farmer's Daughter dream. Pictures coming soon!

I only have four more class periods for Spring term (!) and thus far, my classes have been going just swimmingly. Remember my multiple humanities rants a while ago? I take it all back. Who knew humanities could be so enjoyable?? Thank you, Professor Rimmasch... You are a credit to your field of study.  I'm also taking an Infant Development class, in which I'm both learning a lot and trying not to be intimidated by a lot. "If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear." Oh wait, there's no way to really be prepared is there?... Oh well, a little book learnin' can only help, I s'pose. And it's definitely interesting material!

In other news, we've had a few intense, scary "firsts" together. Blake's is much more epic than mine.

My best friend was ejected from an open-cab bale wagon (see below) when a minivan hit him from behind going 50 mph. Miraculously, Blake walked away without a scratch, as did the mother and one-year-old in the car seat. The minivan, of course, was maimed and totaled. (Note: do NOT try and get in a fight with a bale wagon. YOU WILL LOSE.)  Completely not Blake's fault, but it was so scary.  It really is amazing how many things were perfectly arranged in order for him (and the mom) to not have been injured. It shudder to think of how many different ways this experience could have ended horrifically.

My scary first, like I said, is much less intense. Last Sunday I had my first round as Junior Primary Chorister! The kids have been left to their own devices for a couple of months (subs in and out, very little consistency, etc.), so it was quite a challenge to keep them captivated, but I think I pulled it off! It must have gone pretty well because after Singing Time, the Primary President got up and said, "Sister Hull is going to be our new, permanent Chorister for singing time," after which the crowds erupted in uproarious applause. (Okay, not applause, but some definite little-kid-rejoicing was going on!) Oh my heck, guys... I felt like doing a primariatic victory dance. Right there in front of the kids and teachers and presidency and everything. There's still a TON for me (and them) to learn and a lot of hurdles to climb over, but I think it was a great first Sunday. Maybe a few weeks/months down the road I won't be sweating bullets on Sunday and getting butterflies two days before church. :)

Tender Mercy

I just got a much-needed priesthood blessing from a guy in the library. I love BYU.

I can testify to you that Christ's arms are stretched out waiting for us to run into them. He wants to hear from us; he wants to connect with us; he wants to help us, if we'll just ask and seek for the help.

In seeking the Lord, I came across an Ensign talk from Elder Holland that I'm reading right now.  (He Hath Filled the Hungry with Good Things, Nov. 1997.) Here are some of the things that have stood out to me:

Many long for something, sometimes cry out for something, but too often scarcely know for what. The human heart is anxious and often filled with great stress.

I have wondered this morning if someone within the sound of my voice might feel he or she or those they love are too caught up in the “thick of these thin things,” are hungering for something more substantial and asking with the otherwise successful young man of the scriptures, “What lack I yet?” I have wondered if someone this morning might be wearied by the pace of life in the fast lane. I have wondered if any are hoping to find the answer to a deeply personal problem or to have some light cast on the most serious questions of their heart. Such problems or questions often deal with our marriages, our families, our friends, our health, our peace.

It is to those who so hunger that I wish to speak this morning.  You will recall that when Andrew and another disciple, probably John, first heard Christ speak, they were so moved and attracted to Jesus that they followed Him as He left the crowd. Sensing that He was being pursued, Christ turned and asked the two men, “What seek ye?” Other translations render that simply “What do you want?” They answered, “Where dwellest thou?” or “Where do you live?” Christ said simply, “Come and see.”

It seems that the essence of our mortal journey and the answers to the most significant questions in life are distilled down to these two very brief elements in the opening scenes of the Savior’s earthly ministry. One element is the question put to every one of us on this earth: “What seek ye? What do you want?” The second is His response to our answer, whatever that answer is. Whoever we are and whatever we reply, His response is always the same: “Come,” He says lovingly. “Come, follow me.” Wherever you are going, first come and see what I do, see where and how I spend my time. Learn of me, walk with me, talk with me, believe. Listen to me pray. In turn you will find answers to your own prayers. God will bring rest to your souls. Come, follow me.

With one voice and one accord, we bear witness that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to satisfy ultimate spiritual hunger and slake definitive spiritual thirst. Only He who was so mortally wounded knows how to heal our modern wounds. Only One who was with God, and was God, can answer the deepest and most urgent questions of our soul. Only on His triumphant shoulders can we ride to celestial glory—if we will but choose through our faithfulness to do so.

To those who may feel they have somehow forfeited their place at the table of the Lord, we say again with the Prophet Joseph Smith that God has “a forgiving disposition,” that Christ is “merciful and gracious, slow to anger, [is] long-suffering and full of goodness.”  Mercy, with its sister virtue forgiveness, is at the very heart of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the eternal plan of salvation. Everything in the gospel teaches us that we can change if we need to, that we can be helped if we truly want it, that we can be made whole, whatever the problems of the past.

When He bids us to walk in His way and by His light, it is because He has walked this way before us, and He has made it safe for our own travel here. He knows where the sharp stones and stumbling blocks lie hidden and where thorns and thistles are the most severe. He knows where the path is perilous, and He knows which way to go when the road forks and nightfall comes. He knows all this, as Alma says in the Book of Mormon, because He has suffered “pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind … , that he may know … how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” To succor means to “run to.” I testify that in my fears and in my infirmities the Savior has surely run to me. I will never be able to thank Him enough for such personal kindness and such loving care.

President George Q. Cannon said once: “No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is [against] His character [to do so]. He is an unchangeable being. … He will stand by us. We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and the purer for them, if we only trust in our God and keep His commandments.”

 ~~~

God will run to us--let's run to him too. Let's go drink from the fountain of Living Water, eat from the Bread of Life.

~Don't You Quit~

 

Don't you quit.

You keep walking.

You keep trying.

There is help and happiness ahead.

For more, click here

Thank goodness for the Smiths

This semester is proving to stretch and cultivate me in ways I never have been before. I recognize this opportunity as an incredible blessing, and I really am enjoying the experience (most days? I think?), but sometimes the cultivating is a little intense. I have classes all day Tuesday and Thursday (minus devotional) and my last two classes of the day make for a very intense three hours. The only decent analogy I came up with to describe how it makes me feel was a little dramatic, so I'll just say that those two classes back to back make for an intellectually and emotionally harrowing experience.

I think we often throw around the word "harrow" without giving it a lot of thought. Let's take a closer look...

Don't laugh because it's a toy... I picked this picture from the Google Images because it gives a clear bird's eye view of each part of the machine. (And because it was a Case model, of course.) Harrows vary from model to model--most have two rows of disks which are either followed by a several large bars like you see below or lots of spikey little tines. Their purpose is the same:

disc harrow, n.
1. a machine with sharp-edged slightly concave discs mounted on horizontal shafts and used to cut clods or debris on the surface of the soil or to cover seed after planting;
2. a cultivator that pulverizes or smooths the soil

I know I definitely have some intellectual and emotional surface debris, and that a lot of seeds have been planted and need to be covered, but isn't it only natural to start shaking in my boots when I see Mr. Cultivator-Pulverizer-Soil-Smoother heading straight for my soul?? I'm not sure yet, but I think I might be betting my money on the harrow...

Today, I made it successfully through Class #4 of the day, but not without one tear sneaking out the corner of my right eye while no one was looking. After the bell rang and I started booking it to the MARB, I felt so weighed down I just wanted to sit down in the middle of the sidewalk and cry for my Mom like a lost kid in K-mart. I refrained, and said a prayer in my heart instead: "Heavenly Father, I don't know how I can make it through one more class today. Please help me." After walking down the MARB stairs into the basement and less than sixty seconds after my prayer, I see this girl walking toward me in the hall:

No, I don't attend class in Paris, but this is just one of my favorite pictures of her that I took the liberty of borrowing (cough--stealing...) from her blog.

She was probably a little alarmed when I saw her face and pretty much burst into tears. They weren't the same lost-kid-in-K-mart tears; they were more tears of relief at such a tender mercy. There were only two people I'm aware of on that campus at that moment that could have legitimately filled a nurturing role on my behalf. (The other also happened to be a Smith...) Heavenly Father zeroed in on His resources and inspired a sweet Pathophysiology TA to go fill her water bottle, or get a drink, or whatever it was she was doing out in the hall before class started. I didn't need much, just real arms around me and the real love of a real friend.

• Thank you, Melissa, for living in a way that you can be the answer to someone's silent cry for help.
• Thank you, Mliss & Suzy's Mom, for raising your girls (and boys) the way that you have. I've thought many times how indebted I am to you. I know your kids wouldn't be who they are without you. Well done, Sister Smith.
  

And I have someone else to thank again when I kneel down tonight...

"God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs." - President Kimball

Thought of the Day

Faith builds on the past, but it does not long to stay there. - Jeffrey R. Holland

...

If you're needing a boost...

Hello again,

I know I've been a posting fiend as of late, but this one is just if you happened upon this blog and you need a little uplift today. If you don't feel like you have the time, remember that it's here some day when you're feeling down.

Don't give up, okay? Good things are headed your way. :)

Elder Holland: "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" November 1999

http://lds.org/ensign/1999/11/an-high-priest-of-good-things-to-come?lang=eng&cid=facebook-shared

Life is Good

As a followup to the Monday, November 7th post:

Again: Life is good. Always.

Blake went to a review Monday night and came home with these in hand. Thanks for always helping me remember how little there is to worry about in life, Blake. Life is so good. I love you.

This week, I picked up a pretty nasty cold. I been fighting it like a fierce dragon (lots of sleep, tons of water, treating symptoms, etc.), but after several days of extreme chest congestion, even while on an expectorant around the clock, I decided I had to pull out the big guns.

Let me introduce you to a Briggs invention that my dad lovingly christened, "Steam Dungeon." (With Dad, everything was dungeons and monsters growing up... Poor Beth.)

The Steam Dungeon

I remember many times growing up sitting on the tall office chair, listening to books on tape with a box on my head with steam from a tea pot shooting into the box. I vowed I'd never do it once I was grown up, but look at me now! No tea kettle, no book on tape, and no baler box, but I did the best I could with our little saucepan and Langers Apple Juice box. I knew you'd be proud, Dad. :)


In addition to heaven-sent inventions like the Steam Dungeon, let me introduce you to one of the most angelic mortals alive. (No exaggeration.) Meet Beth:

Mhmm. I just saw your jaw drop to the floor. Don't worry, that's normal. :)

Get to know her and find that she's even more gorgeous inside than she is outside. I know what you're thinking... "Is that even possible?" Ordinarily, no. But Beth Briggs is no ordinary girl, my friends...

After class on Thursday, Beth and I walked home to her place, she drove me back to my apartment, and she let me rest while she made the most perfect vegetable soup and cornbread in creation so I wouldn't have to cook. Oh my goodness. I am so grateful for sisters--I know I wouldn't be half of who I am today without mine. Thank you, Beth!! You will be remembered in heaven for the vegetable soups, pedicures, shared salads in high school, and all the times I needed a shopping trip ally or a haircut buddy. You are one supremely sweet peach!

The aforementioned 'peach' was with me on my very first date when I was 16, and on Friday night, we got to be date buddies for the first time since I was in high school. Blake and I doubled with Beth and her friend from elementary school, Jake. He seems like an uncommonly great guy and we all had a ton of fun together! I wouldn't mind doing that again soon.

Life has been a little crazy this week, but it really has been great. It always is, right?

Livin' the Dream

I know it's been ages since I posted and anyone who knows anything about my life is aware that I have a TON to update you on, but I just wanted to write out this quick post while the thoughts and feelings are fresh. I'll get to an update later. :)

I had a wonderful dream last night. Actually, like most dream nights, I had several dreams. One was weird (mechanical tyrannosaurus rex and barracudas??), one was pretty exciting (one of those good guys vs. the bad guys)--it'd make a great movie--and one was just wonderful. I won't overwhelm you with the details. Dreams are often hard to explain anyway--kind of one of those "you had to be there" deals. But I just wanted to say that I've been in a good mood all day and I've listened to O My Father about 20 times. I didn't have a vision or anything, but just was so grateful for our families and that we can have them forever.

Isn't life great?

Thank you, Drew and Dr. I

Sometimes you just have a driving hope for a better life, happy days, and a bright future. Today (Monday, March 28) is one of those days and I am loving it. I feel really encouraged after having talked to my Family Finance TA and Professor. My TA, Drew, is just one of those people that I can't not smile around--it makes me want to go into the lab every chance I can get. (And I do!)

Dr. Israelson is one of the most inspiring, founded, solid men that I have encountered among the BYU faculty. (And that is saying something!) I'll often talk with him after class, just to glean from his wisdom and be uplifted by the light in his countenance and his optimistic outlook on life. I asked him today how he managed to be so hopeful for the ideal when faced with a clear knowledge of the reality we face everyday. He said it was two things: #1- That he was nearer the end of his life than the beginning. #2- The trust that he had in the Savior. He explained that at some point in his life, he realized how passive his trust in the Lord was.

"When I started to take my trust in the Lord seriously, that changed a lot. If I am doing the very best I can and living worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost, the Lord will guide and lead me to where he needs me to be. Whatever challenges we're faced with, we'll be able to find a solution that will work--or at the very least, we will find a solution that we can happily and comfortably live with, knowing that the Lord's purposes will be accomplished as we rely on and in him."

Our conversation continued for a few minutes and I just basked in the security and harbor of peace that you can find in someone with a humility and devotion to the Lord so sincere that they really do surrender all they have and are to the Lord. I walked away feeling physically lighter than before I'd spoken with him and I just felt like no matter what quirks of mortality were headed my way, somehow things would work out all right.

I want to be the kind of person for other people that my TA and professor were to me today. So many people are suffering and carrying loads so heavy that if we understood the magnitude of their burden we'd probably pass out or spill both breakfast and lunch all over the floor. Some suffer outwardly and we're able to observe when we need to step in and offer a hand, shoulder, rope, or life-preserver. But I'd venture an easy guess that most suffer in silence, tying themselves together with a smile (with varying degrees of authenticity) and offering the same "good" that everyone in our culture has been conditioned to regurgitate when you ask in passing how they're doing or how their day was. These are the ones who need us the most. I can say that because I've been both types of people--the outward sufferer and the semi-fake-smile-tier-togetherer.

I don't know the point of this post, other than to tell you of two people who blessed my life today and to submit to all of us to slow down life just a little in an effort to be more observant of the fake-smilers who need a Drew or 'Dr. I' to be the "lower lights" that it talks about in Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy:

***

Brightly beams our Father’s mercy from his lighthouse evermore,
But to us he gives the keeping of the lights along the shore.
Let the lower lights be burning; send a gleam across the wave.
Some poor fainting, struggling seaman you may rescue, you may save.

Dark the night of sin has settled; Loud the angry billows roar.
Eager eyes are watching, longing, for the lights along the shore.

Trim your feeble lamp, my brother; some poor sailor, tempest-tossed,
Trying now to make the harbor in the darkness may be lost.
Let the lower lights be burning; send a gleam across the wave.
Some poor fainting, struggling seaman you may rescue, you may save.

***

My lamp is often feeble, but I know that as I live worthy of the guidance of the Holy Ghost, I can be a lower light burning for some "fainting, struggling seaman." What say you, everyone? How about taking on the call to rush to someone's rescue?...

New life goal: be the kind of person and live my life in a way that my presence gives people a reason to smile and hope for both a better today and tomorrow.

Happy Monday!

Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."
God moves (us) in mysterious ways.
On Tuesday, a member of the bishopric called and asked me to speak in church. My topic? “How we can increase our capacity and desire to love, how we can open our hearts to the love of others and the Savior, and how we can allow the Savior to heal our hearts.”
It is very evident to me that the Lord works in HIS time. I wrestled with it all week and last night still struggled to come up with anything. It truly is by grace that we're saved after all we can do.

Here are some ideas that I found that I thought were particularly great. I'm grateful for the ways Heavenly Father works in my life. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding."

-----

Gene R. Cook:
Gratitude is a form of returning love to God. Recognize His hand, tell Him so, express your love to Him. As you come to truly know the Lord, you will find an intimate, sacred relationship built on trust. You will come to know He understands your anguish and will, in compassion, always respond to you in love.

Make your business that of healing others, and you will be healed.
The Savior said, "he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it."

Sometimes we feel so empty that we can’t feel anything at all.
That emptiness can come from so many things: sin, loneliness, discouragement from weakness, failure to achieve, or not having the deepest desires of our hearts met. Sometimes we try to fill the emptiness with things that won’t satisfy: facebook, video games, some of us pour ourselves into books and movies, tears; often times we’ll try to fill our lives with so many things hoping that the busy-ness will fill the hole.
These things don’t heal. They numb. There is no progression or growth in numbness.

How can I open my heart to the love of others and of my Savior?
Lay these burdens--hard hearts, unwilling hearts, empty hearts, etc.--at the feet of the Savior. You have to ALLOW it. It is a CHOICE that only we can make and carry out.

Gerald Lund of the Seventy:
"Individual agency is so sacred that Heavenly Father will never force the human heart, even with all His infinite power. Man may try to do so, but God does not. To put it another way, God allows us to be the guardians, or the gatekeepers, of our own hearts. We must, of our own free will, open our hearts to the Spirit, for He will not force Himself upon us. . . . Since we are the guardians of our hearts, we can choose to do so. We choose what we let in or hold out. Fortunately the Lord is anxious to help us choose wisely."

As we choose to open our heart to the Lord, we allow his comforting peace and the cleansing of the atonement to enter. Mormon wrote of the Nephites, “[Their souls were filled] with joy and consolation … because of their yielding their hearts unto God.” That "yielding" is a choice. Because we have our agency, that makes US the agents that facilitate change; change in our own lives and change in us.


Opening our hearts takes courage, trust, and taking a risk. We’re in a mortal world dealing with mortal people, so we will inevitably experience pain, hurt, and grief as we open ourselves to love. Think of the Savior. He has the perfect love—the more whole, complete, all-encompassing love for each of us. What does he also have? A perfect, whole, complete, eternal, consuming understanding of pain, hurt, and grief. There is no one safer to open our heart to. There is no risk in opening your heart to the Savior. But it’s US that has to do the opening. In Revelation 3:20, it says, "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him."

President Eyring instructed us that to pray to feel the Savior’s love is a command with a promise.
He quoted Moroni 7:
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—
“But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure.”

Whether it's a wall that you don’t let anyone or anything past, a hardened heart unwilling to open, a heart locked and guarded so tightly that no one and no thing can get in, or a empty heart, the only true way to fix it is to allow yourself to be healed by the Savior.

John H. Groberg:
Jesus Christ was filled with unfathomable love as He endured incomprehensible pain, cruelty, and injustice for us. Through His love for us, He rose above otherwise insurmountable barriers. His love knows no barriers. He invites us to follow Him and partake of His unlimited love so we too may rise above the pain and cruelty and injustice of this world and help and forgive and bless.
I know He lives. I know He loves us. I know we can feel His love here and now. I know His voice is one of perfect mildness which penetrates to our very center. I know He smiles and is filled with compassion and love. I know He is full of gentleness, kindness, mercy, and desire to help. I love Him with all my heart. I testify that when we are ready, His pure love instantly moves across time and space, reaches down, and pulls us up from the depths of any tumultuous sea of darkness, sin, sorrow, death, or despair we may find ourselves in and brings us into the light and life and love of eternity.

-----

At the Worldwide Leadership meeting on Saturday, I told Brother Harrison (the guy in my bishopric) that I was still really struggling with what to say today. He said, "sometimes the Lord lets us struggle across the desert before we get to Jethro's camp." Tender mercy: I think I made it to the camp. Whom the Lord calls, he also qualifies.