Weirdee!

So I've been trying to figure out when The Hobbit and Les Miserables are scheduled to enter the dollar theater. (Tight wad? Yes. Is anyone surprised?) That has been an unsuccessful endeavor thus far, so if any of you know how to find out, please let me know.

Anyhow, I was looking up the showtimes at the Provo Movies 8 when I stumbled upon some rather ridiculous reviews of the theater that is apparently laced with cuddly kittens and awe-inspiring hand dryers. This chap has either too much time on his hands or way too many chemistry classes to be considered mentally stable. One of the two.

Read on if you're in the market for some mind melting. My favorite (other than the husband and wife floating the Provo River to the the theater) is the guy who made an account just to comment and say what a moron this reviewer is.

"My wife and I love this theater. The decor is top notch and the boxes of kittens is a classy touch. While I have never swam there from England, the Provo River conveniently flows right pass the theatre. My wife and I strip down to our scivvies and leisurely float to the theatre daily. {I suppose I'm biased because I love the word 'scivvies'.} We relish the long lines of people waiting to welcome us to the theatre. It can be cold waiting in line, but the staff will bring you a warm kitten upon request. The seats in the theatre are soft and springy. The cat fur caresses you as the crackling speakers soothe your ears. The real treat was bathroom. Usually I avoid washing my hands in public, but the gentle hum of the hand dryer pulls you in like a moth to a flame. A wonderful night out for only nickels."
Can't argue with that last statement...

"My husband and I love going to movies 8 because of the hot zoobees. {Uhh, weird!} He without fail can always pick one up for a date in their extremely fun arcade. I recommend after playing a game in the arcade to go wash your hands in the bathroom. {Sound advice.} You will be so surprised at the amazing hand dryers that they have there. They must be super new, now we have started going there just to wash our hands after we pet the kittens that the sweet management tries to give you on your way out. This is a top notch establishment."

"Went to movies 8 to watch a movie about kittens but was surprised to find a theater full of kittens who thought they were there to watch a movie about me. I'm not a movie star or anything and to be honest I didn't even watch the movie because we got in a scary butter fight and I got some in my eyes (butter with tufts of kitten fur in it). The kittens ganged up on me and after drying the butter on me REAL good in the bathroom they put me in a box and tried to sell me but I think they were kind of joking about that." 
....What?? 

"Me and my 16th century army were about to attack the place, as we heard the hand driers were excellent, and that we must own them! But we got distracted by some kittens, and then decided to watch twilight, after seeing such an atrocity we decided others things had to be destroyed, so we left peacefully, and thanked the wonderful staff for such a lovely time, they even let us keep some baked kittens to eat on our quest ahead!"    

Enough with the kittens, junior...

 

"This movie theatre has wonderful hare dryers... you mean they are not for your hares? Well my box of hares liked being next to them. BTW when I left them I thought I lost them after I walked out of the theatre one of the wonderful managers there said "HEY WAIT YOU FORGOT YOUR HARES" btw "We found a wife, a child, and a box of kittens too in lost in found. Would you like them?" I said sure.. why not I could raise a family.... sometimes I sneak away from my wife, child, hares, kittens and other things and go back to this theatre to cheat with the hare... I mean blow dryers... they are so wonderful... I have to say that this is about the best place to go to use a hand dryer that also I think shows nightly Twilight movies? One time I went there and said hey Manager can you show me the way to the dryers.. he said sure and led me into this cave behind the screen.. I was going to be scared but at the end I found this cave full of hand dryers it was warm there and this buttler guy named Alfred said... wait my master would like to say hi... this guy in a tight suit with nipples on it came and said I am Batman... I have something for you and he gave me a box of robins. Just a wonderful time I have there with the dryers, hanging out with Batman and feeding robins to my box of kittens while looking at my wife through 3D glasses that they give at the door and watching my kid that I got for free at the door run around the lobby.... Fun was had by all.."

Like I said, mind melting. Buckle up... This next one is a doozy.

 

"You may be wondering. . . why is such a handsome man like myself using my free time to write a movie review for cinemark movies 8 in provo? I will spin you a tale, a tale of mystery, intrigue, death, kittens and even sexy kittens. I was born TJ houshmanzadah in the quiet farmlands of the Alaskan fisheries. Death and despair soon become my friends as the cold nights passed by on the fishing boats. That is why I am here in Provo. {Uh, okay? That cause and effect chain makes loads of sense.}

The tale continues. I soon met my second wife, which is odd because I had not yet obtained a first wife. Yet this is where the tale gets interesting. . .

We walk into the theater and what do we see???

KITTENS  {Oh boy...}

A massive army, a terrible hoard of deadly and diabolical kittens that marched towards our ranks. I bowed my head in acceptance of the defeat that was soon upon us. Yet when all seemed lost, an ally rode to our aid!

The blow dryers! {How fitting.} how elegant, how sweet the taste of friendship that swelled within my breast, words cannot express. They rode to our aid.

yet the battle was not over. Or was it?

Yes it was  {Congratulations. You just won the anti-climactic award.}

The Post war years were hard, economy was poor and I got myslef in with a bad crowd. . . the sexy kittens  {The plot thickens...}

yes I will admit it, I was seduced by these kittens that seemed so happy cute and playful that I could not resist their soft meows that seemed to hush all my cares. Yet my second wife was jealous, so she threw the cat in the blow dryer! but that did nothing, so she put it in the microwave and hit the defrost button. . . it was soon all over for my kitten friend, I will never forget that cute kitten, whether it was a he or she I do not know, all I know is that I loved her/him.

and so my tale ends in despair, a deep pitch black cavern of sadness,

 

{"And because I just remembered that this is a movie theater review..."}

Provo Cinemark 4/5 stars- the experience was tasty, yet it needed a little more butter, if you know what I mean. . . . and if you know what I mean, I would like for you to tell me because im not sure what I myself mean"

I don't know what you mean, but it sounds like it could be a legitimate analogy for something meaningful? In either case, sit down before you hurt yourself, dear.

 

And last but certainly not least:

"All of these reviews are really stupid. I just created an account on here just to say that. The only reason I am still writing is because I need to have 45 words in order to post this stupid thing on the website. I like the theater though."

 

Me too, my friend... Me too.